the mess inside me

I've been meaning to write this for a while now, but honestly, I don't know how. So here it goes.

I leave here in 24 days. Less than a month.

I am an emotional casserole.

I'm shocked and still in denial. How has two years gone by so quickly?

I'm nervous. Living two years in an Asian culture will change you and your expectations. Broken English has become my language. And you mean polka dot shirts don't go with striped skirts? And it's okay to hug guys? Drivers actually look before they pull out into traffic? And KFC doesn't run out of chicken?

I am ready. It's been two years since I've seen family and friends, who wouldn't be pumped?

I'm excited. There will be variety in my life again! Italian food, Chinese, Mexican, American… And it won't be 90 degrees for forever! The leaves will change color… and snow!

I'm eager to start another chapter. My call has always been to follow Him - wherever, whenever - and as hard as it may be to leave, I'm excited for the possibilities. Who knows? Perhaps he'll just lead me back here…

And I'm broken. I hate goodbyes, and first I'm preparing to say goodbye to those whom I've been working and toiling with the past year and a half… They have offered much laughter, encouragement, support, advice, direction, and a family. I have been adopted as a sister, an aunt, and a daughter. They have cared for me through tropical fever, cried with me, spoken hard truths, and in all things, pointed me towards the One who is worthy. To leave them is truly to leave family.

And then how do you say goodbye to people you love but may never see again in this life?
Even more so... to those you may never see again… ever?

I'm afraid. I fear complacency. I fear forgetting what has happened here. I fear losing sight of the greatness of our G-d and His power, His goodness, His faithfulness, His love.

I'm returning to the familiar, yet I am anything but the same.
I have done without air conditioning, hot water, a shower, or a proper flushing toilet for the past two years.
I have adapted to eating primarily with a spoon, using a fork only to push rice and other food onto the spoon. Or with just my hands.
I have lived side by side with chickens, goats, cows, and water buffalo.
I have lived in a place where 70 degrees is cold and showing your shoulders or knees is inappropriate.
I can count the number of men I have hugged in the past two years on one hand.
I have seen poverty. Entire families living in a one-room house with a kitchen out back, who bathe and wash their clothes in the river down the hill.
I have lived in a place where there is a mosque on every street corner.
I have listened to Arabic singing call people to pr-y five times a day.
I have witnessed cows and goats being slaughtered as sacrifices.
I have heard people declare the Son to be the Truth and yet decide to not follow because of what their family would do.
I have walked with someone through reading the Good Book for the first time and witnessed them discover the wonder and immeasurable power of the Son.
I have had my faith turned upside down. I have wavered. I have stumbled - no, not just stumbled: completely wiped out. Realized that there is absolutely nothing in me that gives me credit before G-d apart from the Son. Not even my faith. It's all Him. I have very weak faith, but I have very weak faith in a very great G-d.
And I have seen Him make bold the fearful, give hope to the hopeless, breathe life into dead souls.

All in all, I'm a mess. One big, broken, excited mess. I say all this… to ask for grace. I'm a mess now, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be even more of an excited, awkward, clumsy, broken mess when I get back. My heart has attached itself to another country, another culture, another people. I don't yet know how to work through that, and I don't know if that'll ever change, but if I've learned anything the past two years, it's that He's faithful and when I don't know how to do it, He does and can and will. So I ask for grace. I will learn how to adapt. I will grieve. It will just take time.

See you guys in a month.

ugly mornings

When your morning starts off with six girls yelling your name and banging on your window for 15 minutes at 6:30 am, sometimes all you can do is get up and try to redeem the day by making homemade biscuits and eggs after they leave. Yeah, those schoolgirls aren't so adorable at 6:30 in the morning. This isn't the first time they've done this. Apparently our "This is not polite in either of our cultures. Please don't do it again." talk made no difference.

As I sit and drink my hot cup of tea, honestly the ugliness in my heart is still flaring and raging quite a bit. It's moments like these when I realize just how much I am not like the Son.

Well, that was an effective way to drive me into your arms, G-d. Definitely not the preferred way, but effective. You knew what my stubborn, lazy heart needed. Grace, my King, I so need grace right now. Forgive my frustrations and anger. Redeem the day and my heart. Teach me to walk how you walked.

This is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.

"This I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end. 
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 
'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.'"   - Lam 3:21-24

driving victory

Look what I drove home tonight!!

 

It's a stick-shift!! Driven on the opposite side of the road! With passengers!

I absolutely cannot take credit for backing it up into the driveway; I haven't developed those awesome skills, but still, celebrate every victory, right?

schoolgirls

Giggles. Excited chatter. "Excuse me!" More giggles.

Oh dear. From my room, I can hear what sounds like a dozen schoolgirls at our door. Groaaan. Not now.

Don't get me wrong. I love kids. Just not when I'm surrounded by papers and have finally, after what seemed like hours, gotten into an actual productive work mode.

I peek around the corner. Sure enough, the doorway is full of eager little faces peering at me. They instantly burst into more giggles and chatter at the sight of me. My introversion flares up inside of me, and I fight the urge to run and hide in my room. Deep breath. You can do this, Rachel. Cautiously, I greet them. "Hi..." More giggles, a dozen "Hi!"s, and the simultaneous, fast chatter in bahasa: "Wheredoyoucomefrom?" "Whatisyourname?" "Canwecomein?" "DoyouteachEnglish?"

At that point, my introversion and American inflexibility win out. I answer their questions, then say, "Actually, right now is not a good time. How about you come back tomorrow?" I'm a horrible person, I know. They don't even seem to notice. "Okay! Okay, miss! Thank you!"

Sure enough, the next day, I hear a knock on my door. As soon as I open it, two very excited little girls run in and greet me. "Hello, sister! Oh, thank you so much!" The one, Elna, is so excited, she actually does the whole fan-yourself thing multiple times that I've only seen beauty pageant winners do. "Wa! I can't believe I'm actually in an American's house! Wow, sister, you are so nice! Ah! Oh my gosh! Eee! I can't believe this!" I don't think I've ever met someone so excited to talk to me. Her friend actually attempts to calm her down, she was that excited. I was just slightly uncomfortable.

They excitedly ask me questions and giggle for about an hour (good language practice - they couldn't care less if I mess up), and then they ask if I have a coloring book. They want to draw me a picture. I now have two lovely additions to my fridge. When they leave, they say they want to come back tomorrow. "Actually, I can't do tomorrow. How about Sunday?" "Okay, sis! Sunday! See you Sunday!"

 

We had little excited knocks on our door to say hello every day until Sunday. Each time, my heart warmed up to them a little more. I realized that if I had walked with the Son way back when, I totally would have been with the disciples in sending away the little kids. But that's not what He wanted. He told them to let them come to him. Granted, I'm not the Son, but I can share His light with them and love them like He does.

 

Peeking in through the gate during our student discussion group

Today I get home, and there they are, waiting outside our gate. One runs up and hands me something in a bag. "I'm sorry it's ugly..." "Oh! Thank you so much!" Once inside, I open up the bag. This is what it contained.

 

In English, the label reads, "To: Messy. From: Sister Rachel and the other sisters (my roommates)" I think she got the "To" and "From" a bit mixed up. :)

The top box was full of precious little notes:

"I love you, sister!"

"Thank you for letting us come to your house!"

"Please stay here forever. Don't ever move because we are going to miss you!"

Heart. Melts.

The larger box contained this:

  

Haha. Of course.

We were going to teach them "Down by the banks" but turns out they already know a version of it! We play where if it lands on you, you have to sing a song. We ended up teaching them some American children's songs. Here's a video of us playing. It starts with me having to sing a little something.

These girls love to sing! After the game, they wanted to have a singing show, so we pretended the front room was the stage, and each got up to "perform." So cute!

 

 

 

Precious little girls.

"And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, 'Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.' And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them." - Mark 10:13-16

student time

Last weekend the English club took an outing to a waterfall about two hours away. I woke up with an awful sinus infection (I thought the allergy war was over when I left the States), so a friend drove my motorcycle, and I got to enjoy the ride. The week before I was, honestly, a little down about the state of some things, and my heart longed (longs) to be with Him. With headphones in, music playing, the sun on my face, the mountains in sight, I was just astounded by how beautiful and good our God is. He has not abandoned us to a world full of corruption and suffering. He has, indeed, given us good gifts and pleasures and beauty to enjoy. Thank you, my Lord, for the grace to see that.

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland... They desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city." - Heb. 11:13, 14, 16

 

 

Yesterday was the final installment of our discussion groups on divine love. Honestly, I had no idea how the conversation was going to go, but let me just say, it blew any expectation I might have had. Some of the girls opened up about heart-wrenching struggles and pain that left us in tears (truly), and we were able to share our heart's hope and joy: being unconditionally, passionately, relentlessly loved by the Creator of the universe who loved us too much to leave us in our filth. Beauty. Grace. Love.

 

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father... that according to the riches of his glory he may grant to you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fulness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." - Eph. 3:14-21

valentine's day

In honor of Valentine's Day, we had a party at the English club on Friday. Originally we said everyone had to wear something pink, but after hearing great protests from the guys, we expanded the requirements to pink or red. We also incorporated another American favorite (although not typically associated with Valentine's Day, but whatever) and made it a dessert potluck! Around 25 or so students came - a good turnout for a rainy day. They brought chocolate, fruit, cake, pudding, cookies, all sorts of goodies! There were games and plenty of joking and laughter. We have a great group of students. I love them. :)

 

 

 

 

 

Another attempt to capture the beautiful sky. This looked unreal, so much like a painting.

 

This photo is yesterday's photo. After our discussion groups (which went awesome, by the way) a couple of us went out to eat at our favorite almost-American restaurant. Here's them fake-toasting for the camera. :)

valentine's day dinner

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! I spent all day making cupcakes for our English club's Valentine's Day party tomorrow that I forgot today was actually the day until a friend came over for dinner and reminded me. She loves tacos, so we had tacos for our Valentine's dinner. Thankful for good friends and even better conversations.

 

photos from the... month

Heh, sorry, I know I'm a bit behind on this whole photo-a-day. I have been taking photos, for the most part; it's just an issue of being able to find time/internet to upload them.

 

Women carrying sticks on their backs

 

The little kids in my neighborhood are like terrorists. Ding-dong-ditch, throwing little green pods at my door, peeking in the windows… If it's unlocked they try to sneak into my house, and when I say hello, they run off squealing. That's usually what happens when I try to make friends with them: they squeal and retreat. I've tried playing in the rain with them, making conversation… The only thing I've found that works: gifts. I had Dad bring me a bag of dumdums, and it's the only thing that seems to pacify the little ones.

This morning, they were doing the normal things: climbing up on my gate, trying to get the gate open to do who knows what. I could hear them making their demands - "Bule! Hey, bule!" - followed by words I can't understand, then counting up to ten. I assumed they wanted more candy. As soon as I brought it out, though, they scattered. I finally persuaded them to come over, and they didn't say a word. What, now they're shy? After trying a couple of different questions or even starting a game, I gave up. Ah well. At least they smile big and wave every time I get home.

 

Last week we went to one of the university campus and handed out flyers for our English club.

 

And then this week, we invited some students to go with us. We had a great turnout! Here are the girls with my new roommates.

 

We also started a three-week discussion time on the different kinds of loooove. This first week was about family and friends. Next week: romance. Oh, how they are eager for that one...

 

Last night we babysat for some friends so they could go out on a Valentine's date. This is hide-and-seek. I wonder where they are...

 

The picture doesn't do it justice.

"'Behold, the L0rd G0d comes with might, and his arm rules for him; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him. He will tend his flocks like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand and marked off the heavens with a span, enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure and weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance? Who has measured the Spirit of the L0rd or what man shows him his counsel? Whom did he consult, and who made him understand? Who taught him the path of justice, and taught him knowledge, and showed him the way of understanding? Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket, and are accounted as the dust on the scales; behold, he takes up the coastlands like fine dust." - Isaiah 40:10-15