the mess inside me

I've been meaning to write this for a while now, but honestly, I don't know how. So here it goes.

I leave here in 24 days. Less than a month.

I am an emotional casserole.

I'm shocked and still in denial. How has two years gone by so quickly?

I'm nervous. Living two years in an Asian culture will change you and your expectations. Broken English has become my language. And you mean polka dot shirts don't go with striped skirts? And it's okay to hug guys? Drivers actually look before they pull out into traffic? And KFC doesn't run out of chicken?

I am ready. It's been two years since I've seen family and friends, who wouldn't be pumped?

I'm excited. There will be variety in my life again! Italian food, Chinese, Mexican, American… And it won't be 90 degrees for forever! The leaves will change color… and snow!

I'm eager to start another chapter. My call has always been to follow Him - wherever, whenever - and as hard as it may be to leave, I'm excited for the possibilities. Who knows? Perhaps he'll just lead me back here…

And I'm broken. I hate goodbyes, and first I'm preparing to say goodbye to those whom I've been working and toiling with the past year and a half… They have offered much laughter, encouragement, support, advice, direction, and a family. I have been adopted as a sister, an aunt, and a daughter. They have cared for me through tropical fever, cried with me, spoken hard truths, and in all things, pointed me towards the One who is worthy. To leave them is truly to leave family.

And then how do you say goodbye to people you love but may never see again in this life?
Even more so... to those you may never see again… ever?

I'm afraid. I fear complacency. I fear forgetting what has happened here. I fear losing sight of the greatness of our G-d and His power, His goodness, His faithfulness, His love.

I'm returning to the familiar, yet I am anything but the same.
I have done without air conditioning, hot water, a shower, or a proper flushing toilet for the past two years.
I have adapted to eating primarily with a spoon, using a fork only to push rice and other food onto the spoon. Or with just my hands.
I have lived side by side with chickens, goats, cows, and water buffalo.
I have lived in a place where 70 degrees is cold and showing your shoulders or knees is inappropriate.
I can count the number of men I have hugged in the past two years on one hand.
I have seen poverty. Entire families living in a one-room house with a kitchen out back, who bathe and wash their clothes in the river down the hill.
I have lived in a place where there is a mosque on every street corner.
I have listened to Arabic singing call people to pr-y five times a day.
I have witnessed cows and goats being slaughtered as sacrifices.
I have heard people declare the Son to be the Truth and yet decide to not follow because of what their family would do.
I have walked with someone through reading the Good Book for the first time and witnessed them discover the wonder and immeasurable power of the Son.
I have had my faith turned upside down. I have wavered. I have stumbled - no, not just stumbled: completely wiped out. Realized that there is absolutely nothing in me that gives me credit before G-d apart from the Son. Not even my faith. It's all Him. I have very weak faith, but I have very weak faith in a very great G-d.
And I have seen Him make bold the fearful, give hope to the hopeless, breathe life into dead souls.

All in all, I'm a mess. One big, broken, excited mess. I say all this… to ask for grace. I'm a mess now, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be even more of an excited, awkward, clumsy, broken mess when I get back. My heart has attached itself to another country, another culture, another people. I don't yet know how to work through that, and I don't know if that'll ever change, but if I've learned anything the past two years, it's that He's faithful and when I don't know how to do it, He does and can and will. So I ask for grace. I will learn how to adapt. I will grieve. It will just take time.

See you guys in a month.

The fight for perspective

Trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have two months left in the States before I'm gone for two years is close to impossible. How do I prepare for this? How do I ready myself for this epic change?

All I can do is fill my mind and heart with Scriptures to try to maintain perspective.

"Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart. But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled only to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4

Here's to a very scary beginning

I'm trying desperately to not have expectations, to not build up a false, romanticized idea of how my time there is going to be.

I want to ready myself, to be prepared to serve without hinderances, to live in that moment - in the here and now.

Yet, I see so much in me that is not good, so much that does not please our Father. And I'm fighting those things with all that I am, striving towards sanctification and holiness, keeping my eyes on the prize - our home, our glorious God, standing perfected by Him, through Him, for Him: "for my name's sake."

Father, break me of all that is not pleasing to you. Increase in me. Give me eyes to see myself in my depravity, grace and love in their fullness, the cross in its glory. May all I do be for You. I cling to the promise of your faithfulness and goodness. Pour yourself on me. May my life be an overflow of You.