the mess inside me

I've been meaning to write this for a while now, but honestly, I don't know how. So here it goes.

I leave here in 24 days. Less than a month.

I am an emotional casserole.

I'm shocked and still in denial. How has two years gone by so quickly?

I'm nervous. Living two years in an Asian culture will change you and your expectations. Broken English has become my language. And you mean polka dot shirts don't go with striped skirts? And it's okay to hug guys? Drivers actually look before they pull out into traffic? And KFC doesn't run out of chicken?

I am ready. It's been two years since I've seen family and friends, who wouldn't be pumped?

I'm excited. There will be variety in my life again! Italian food, Chinese, Mexican, American… And it won't be 90 degrees for forever! The leaves will change color… and snow!

I'm eager to start another chapter. My call has always been to follow Him - wherever, whenever - and as hard as it may be to leave, I'm excited for the possibilities. Who knows? Perhaps he'll just lead me back here…

And I'm broken. I hate goodbyes, and first I'm preparing to say goodbye to those whom I've been working and toiling with the past year and a half… They have offered much laughter, encouragement, support, advice, direction, and a family. I have been adopted as a sister, an aunt, and a daughter. They have cared for me through tropical fever, cried with me, spoken hard truths, and in all things, pointed me towards the One who is worthy. To leave them is truly to leave family.

And then how do you say goodbye to people you love but may never see again in this life?
Even more so... to those you may never see again… ever?

I'm afraid. I fear complacency. I fear forgetting what has happened here. I fear losing sight of the greatness of our G-d and His power, His goodness, His faithfulness, His love.

I'm returning to the familiar, yet I am anything but the same.
I have done without air conditioning, hot water, a shower, or a proper flushing toilet for the past two years.
I have adapted to eating primarily with a spoon, using a fork only to push rice and other food onto the spoon. Or with just my hands.
I have lived side by side with chickens, goats, cows, and water buffalo.
I have lived in a place where 70 degrees is cold and showing your shoulders or knees is inappropriate.
I can count the number of men I have hugged in the past two years on one hand.
I have seen poverty. Entire families living in a one-room house with a kitchen out back, who bathe and wash their clothes in the river down the hill.
I have lived in a place where there is a mosque on every street corner.
I have listened to Arabic singing call people to pr-y five times a day.
I have witnessed cows and goats being slaughtered as sacrifices.
I have heard people declare the Son to be the Truth and yet decide to not follow because of what their family would do.
I have walked with someone through reading the Good Book for the first time and witnessed them discover the wonder and immeasurable power of the Son.
I have had my faith turned upside down. I have wavered. I have stumbled - no, not just stumbled: completely wiped out. Realized that there is absolutely nothing in me that gives me credit before G-d apart from the Son. Not even my faith. It's all Him. I have very weak faith, but I have very weak faith in a very great G-d.
And I have seen Him make bold the fearful, give hope to the hopeless, breathe life into dead souls.

All in all, I'm a mess. One big, broken, excited mess. I say all this… to ask for grace. I'm a mess now, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be even more of an excited, awkward, clumsy, broken mess when I get back. My heart has attached itself to another country, another culture, another people. I don't yet know how to work through that, and I don't know if that'll ever change, but if I've learned anything the past two years, it's that He's faithful and when I don't know how to do it, He does and can and will. So I ask for grace. I will learn how to adapt. I will grieve. It will just take time.

See you guys in a month.

the end of the beginning

My time in this city has come to an end. 

We finished language school yesterday with evaluations at the mall, eating ice cream and pancakes while talking to people about what they do in their free time. All of my luggage, save for my backpack and guitar, is making its way on a bus to my new destination. And I am bound for Singapore in the morning for a two-day visa run.

It's strange to think that my time here is already over. I'm very much a mix of emotions that come in waves right now. I'm sad. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm readying myself for culture shock again. I'm trusting through uncertainties. I'm eager to meet the people, to see the city, to finally be where I've been preparing to go for a year. I'm ready to continue the journey.

This last week has been very full. We saw a friend get married. I got to wear a traditional top to the ceremony. I've packed up everything I own... again. We've cleaned (MagicErasers are awesome, by the way), booked flights, searched this city up and down for a hard guitar case (no luck). I've eaten out with friends, exchanged gifts, had sleepovers. I've said hard goodbyes, given many hugs, cried a lot, laughed just as much. It's been good.

And it's good when, as my eyes well up with tears, a dear friend sweetly take my hands and says, "Don't be sad, friend. It's not goodbye. It's just talk to you later."

It's not goodbye, loves. It's just talk to you later.

I borrowed the top from a friend. She dressed me up like a doll with all the jewelry and my hair.

Cleaning with the MagicEraser. Please note the difference between the tiles, particularly the line drawn down the grout.

"When I cannot stand I'll fall on you. Jesus, you're my hope and stay."

And the goodbyes have begun.

Each one makes this thing all the more real.

I really am going 10,000 miles away from everything familiar to a country where the food is new, the language is new, the people are new.

This is going to happen.

The goodbyes are rough. I'm pretty good at holding myself together until I get to myself when I am suddenly swarmed by emotions and have to, once again, fall before my King, recognizing I totally need him to do this.

Before anyone doubts whether or not this is something I actually want to do, I do want to do this. I am excited. This is a huge opportunity to go and make His name known among the nations.

It's just the anticipation that kills.

But G*d is so good. His faithfulness and love is mind-blowing. I can't wait to share it with the students over there.

"Surely those who know the great passionate heart of Jehovah must deny their own loves in order to share in the expression of his." - Jim Elliot