the big picture

Well, I'm nearly at the six-month mark of being in country, and I'm feeling it. Don't get me wrong - I'm not homesick. I just had a moment today when I realized (again) the things that I decided to miss when I signed up for this. Life is going to be much, much different when I return; there's no avoiding it.

Please don't think I'm complaining. I know this is where I'm supposed to be - I am 100% confident in that. Sometimes, though, that confidence is shadowed briefly by what I'm missing back home... and I lose sight of the big picture.

What is the big picture? It's the simple truth that this world is not our home. We're like pilgrims, awaiting a greater home, being refined like gold in fire. This truth got me through a really hard time in my life, and it's one I still have to keep my eyes on. With it in mind, life looks a lot different. It's suddenly okay if things never turn out like we think they will. It's okay if I'm not there to see my best friends say "I do" or for big changes in my family. It wouldn't be if this life is all there was. But it's not.

This life is not about us. It's not about being successful, comfortable, or even happy. We have a purpose that is much greater than ourselves. It's called his glory. And it's better than anything we could have imagined on our own.

This world is not our home. Life is not about us. His glory is worth it.

"I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing JC my L0rd. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain JC and be found in him, not having a righte0usness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in JC, the righteousness from G0d that depends on faith... 

Our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the L0rd JC, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself." Phil 3:8-9, 20-21

To end it, here's a video of something I'd be missing out on if I were still in the States:

 

Him + Nothing = Everything

This is the part of the adventure where I feel crazy. the first of many times, I'm sure.

In all honesty, this past week has been pretty rough. Language was bad, lots of bad culture days, and the upcoming holidays is a great topper.

And I'm left on my face, before the One who is great and mighty and knows why in the world he has brought a tiny, unable-to-do-anything, still-has-problems-trusting girl here. Everything is being stripped away, painfully at times, leaving only Him to fall back on.

But you know what? He's all I need.

JC is enough.

I am reading a book a friend recommended to me, and the day when I felt most crazy, I read this.

Because JC is strong for me, I am free to be weak.

Because JC won for me, I am free to lose.

Because JC was someone, I am free to be no one.

Because JC was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary.

Because JC succeeded for me, I am free to fail.

It's all about Him. He has already won. He has sealed me with His blood. I am His. And His plans will not be thwarted. Even if my language doesn't improve a single bit, He is more powerful than my language abilities. All I have to do is just walk with him. I don't have to be good enough; He is my sufficiency. I am free to be a mirror, to reflect the only one who was great, who loved perfectly, who did the greatest act the world has ever known for those who hated Him.

His grace is sufficient. He is my sanity. He is enough. He is enough.

When I am stripped of all things and left empty, You fill me up with the most beautiful, amazing, undeserved grace. Thank You for knowing better than me and for taking away that which I cling to that isn't good for me. Thank You for being You.

Berjalan saja.
Just walk.

"Come, let us return to the Lrd; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, that he will bind us up. After two days, he will revive us; and on the third day he will raise us up, that we may live before him.

Let us know; let us press on to know the Lrd; his going out is as sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:1-3

without the shedding of blood...

There have been only a few things happen in my life that were so... heavy my brain could not comprehend what exactly was going on. Emotions completely overwhelm, and I can't process what's occurring around me. Events so momentous that I'm left wondering how to even begin understanding what I both saw and felt. 9/11, for instance. Visiting the orphanages and leper colonies in China. And yesterday's sacrifice ceremony.

Yesterday was Eid Al-Adha, a holiday remembering Abraham's life, specifically his faith demonstrated in his willingness to sacrifice his son. To commemorate this event, cows and goats are sacrificed at local mosques and homes. Some hold this to be only a remembering of Abraham's willingness and G-d's provision, but others, like the leader we talked to, believe it to be forgiveness of wrongs - "Without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness of sin" (Hmm, sounds familiar...) One goat covers one person, and one cow seven people. At the ceremony where we were, 21 cows and 15 goats were killed - 162 people.

As we walk up, the smell is overpowering. The leaders see us and wave us over, pleased to inform a foreigner about the event. It takes me a minute or two to get enough used to the stench to go through the gate. Bloodied carcasses lay on a square slab of concrete where the slaughter occurred. Only three cows are left. Arabic singing, recitations from their book, sounds loudly from the speakers. I watch a scrawny cow fight as hard as he can against the rope lassoed around his neck as he is dragged towards the front. He struggles to remain standing on the bloody concrete as ropes from all sides pull him down. He loses.

A man carrying a large knife walks barefoot through the blood to the still struggling beast. As he kneels next to its head, kids and parents inch as close as they dare, eager to see the slaughter.

And it's at this point that my heart can't handle anymore. I quickly turn away, fighting back tears. When we get home, I shower, trying to wash off the smell of blood that followed me home. And I sit, trying to process all of my thoughts and emotions.

Caution: Not for the faint of heart - The aftermath

I'm going to admit something here. After thinking things through, I realized what got to me the most wasn't all the blood and the guts everywhere. It was the cow.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no vegetarian. I love meat and could eat meat all day... as long as I never met the cow. I know, it's silly, but it's the truth. If I've met the cow beforehand, it will be extremely hard for me to enjoy eating him, even if he's in the form of a delicious hamburger.

And here I was, witnessing a helpless cow being pulled and prodded to its death. I hadn't even met the thing, but my heart was screaming, "STOP! HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! HE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS!"

It took about two seconds for my heart to translate this into something deeper.

It all points to HIM.

HE was our sacrifice. He is the fulfillment of the OT, what the sacrificial system symbolizes. The perfect lamb of G-d. And unlike this cow, he didn't have to be prodded and dragged to his death but was like "a lamb that is led to the slaughter, a sheep that before its shearers is silent." The Son - the Word, the light of the world, G-d himself - willingly takes all of our punishment, and what he accomplished was final.

There is nothing we can do to earn favor; depraved man cannot approach holy G-d on his own merit. JC has done it all completely. His blood covers me. He has made a way. He is the way.

"If the blood of goats and bulls... sanctify for the purification of the flesh, how much more will the blood of JC, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without blemish to G-d, purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living G-d." -Heb 9:13-14

"By a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified." -Heb 10:14 

"If JC be G-d and died for me, then no sacrifice can be too great for me to make for him." - C.T. Studd

"If our God is for us, who can be against us?"

I survived security contingency training! I now know what to do in case of a robbery, questioning, or whatever else may come my way. Boy, can you say reality check?

It was definitely not a coincidence that the week before we talked about persecuted followers around the world. Father definitely weighed on my heart once again the cost of following that we so often in America don't face. I was reminded of the passage in 1 Pt that talks about resisting our adversary, "knowing that the same kinds of sufferings are being experienced by our brotherhood around the world."

Persecution is normal in over 80% of the world. Normal. Not something to complain about, not something out of the ordinary; it is to be expected. In fact 2 Tm flat out says this: "All who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted."

That brings up the question: Is He worth it?

Is He worth abandoning everything for? Is He worth being rejected and being ridiculed by peers? Is He worth risking not only your life but the lives of your family? Is He worth it?

The answer: YES. 100% yes. JC left EVERYTHING - He abandoned GLORY - to redeem His people, a people who ridiculed and rejected Him. And He gave Himself so that we may be made alive and live with Him.

With that in mind, Father gave me strength and peace to sit through sessions about what possibly could happen during service, things that I would normally be freak out about and probably be having nightmares about. Instead, though, in an enormous act of grace, I could sit and tell myself, "He is worth it. He is worth way more than my feeble life can give. He deserves all glory and praise, no matter the cost."

Sorry for the rant. That was definitely not the direction I meant for this post to go. Maybe later this week I can actually talk about what I meant to talk about. :)

Pr--er Request:
It's starting to get crunch time as we only have 2 1/2 more weeks here. We're having to memorize lots of stories and methods. Be pr--ing for sharpness of mind and, honestly, sincerity in my motivations to memorize. I don't want to know these things just because they tell me to know them; I want to sincerely be affected by them and desire to share them with those I encounter.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:35, 37-39

"'Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.'" Rv 4:11

Grace upon grace

"You were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience - among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of our body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him, and seated us with him in the heavenly places with Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." Eph. 2:1-7


My mind simply cannot wrap itself around those words. First, we were dead in our trespasses, but not only dead and helpless, but children of wrath, following the "prince of the power of the air," "sons of disobedience." We were under Satan's control. Enemies of God. There is absolutely no innocence in us.

Yet, despite this, despite our dispecable-ness and filth, God loved us. He reached down and made us alive.

But wait. It gets better. Making us alive would have been amazing in itself. But he did this why? "So that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness towards us in Christ Jesus." He saved us from ourselves and from powers outside of and much greater than ourselves (an act of grace) so that he might show us more grace!

What an awesome God we serve. May all glory and honor go to him and him alone.

The fight for perspective

Trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have two months left in the States before I'm gone for two years is close to impossible. How do I prepare for this? How do I ready myself for this epic change?

All I can do is fill my mind and heart with Scriptures to try to maintain perspective.

"Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart. But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled only to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4